Topic 主題：如何幫助為人父母者維持內心和諧 Helping parents to achieve peace inside
Number 編號：Sat A7
Convenor 召集人：Enana
Participants (including Bumble Bees) 參與人員：Jinbo、 Heu –lien、jimbo、Jim、Anita, Enana
Insights 討論內容：
ｑ：對此問題有興趣的原因
Why are you interested in this topic?
Jim：自己也身為父母，也在多方嚐試管教方法，如何管教之間取得和諧
As a parents, I have been searching for diverse ways of discipline, and finding peace .
Jimbo：我的孩子己二歲多，想幫助自己的孩子開拓視野。
My child is two years old, and I’d like to expand his vision for the time being and in the future.
Heuy-lien ：親子問題，多來自父母，尤其是父自己內心
Most problems between parents and children come from the parents, especially their inside.
Jim：小孩心關心的是好玩，冒險，交朋友
父母關心的是：平衡，小孩子的行為，負責任……
Children cares about fun, having risks & friendship. However, parents care more about equipollence, good behaviours and responsibility…
jimbo：父母關心的還有小孩的健康，這也是對小孩子多加管教的原因，小孩確認為父母給太多限制，兩代的慾望不同，尤其是孩子比較大以後，父母會期待孩子的教育，社會地位……
Parents also care children’s health, that’s why they discipline. But the kids take it as restrictions. When children are getting older, parents care more about education, achievement…
jim：常要提醒自己注意孩子內心想要的東西
Parents need to remind themselves to look into the inside of children.
aniita：自己在家可以和孩子一起當小孩，但出了門，如公園，與其他父母在一起時，會懷疑自己的教育方式。在家是自己與孩子的衡突，在外則是面對社會的衡突，尤其和其他父母相處時會有比較的壓力，ｅｘ別人小孩爬樓梯我的孩子卻要爬斜坡，那時別的父母會有批判性的語言，我只好不接觸別人的眼光，否則別人就會告訴我怎麼處理、給我建議，但其實他們並不了解怎麼回事，所以我會等到回家再處理我和孩子的衝突。
As I’m at home, I can be with my kids. But I’ll doubt my own ideas of education when hanging out with other parents. For example, my child once climbed up a slide while other children took the chairs in the park. I felt the pressure of comparison. So I avoided eye-contact with other parents, otherwise they’ll give me advice and make judgements of my kid, without knowing what’s going on.
J: 每天可以有親子談話的時間很重要
It’s important to have conversations with the kids everyday.
Ｅ： 困難之一是孩子的行為會重覆，尤其是某些父母一再提醒、禁止的行為
The trouble is that kids won’t change their behaviours right away, especially those behaviours parents restrict.
Ｊ：有時是因為父母面對此行為反應、加上孩子的反應變成一種固定的模式，例如你叫他不要打人，但每次他打人、你就生氣、孩子就會裝鬼臉討好，你就會開心地笑了，以後孩子想要你笑的時候，可能會先打人，所以你原想解決他的問題，卻可能增強原先的問題。有的人是靠吵架來追求和解的美好氣氛
Sometimes it becomes a pattern. Take hitting as an example, if parents get angry whenever kids hit others, kids will make faces to please parents and it works. Then kids may hit others if they want to please their parents later on. Therefore, our reactions to solve the problem may reinforce it.
Ｅ： 好像是一種舞步。而且孩子也會注意大人說話的腔調，若大人自己心情不好、家裡氣氛不好他們會反應出來
Like a dance. Kids will reflect the atmosphere at home.
Ｊ：老一輩父母的表達方式可能很負向或多禁止的，但也養出具開放觀念的女兒，所以我會幫自己轉化：阿媽在禁止孩子時，其實是她說“我愛你”的方式。所以我們也要對結果保持開放，相信孩子也有自己的選擇，要LET GO
My wife’s mother is used to negative expression or restrictions, but her daughter is open-minded. So I told myself while she was inhibiting my kid that she is saying “I love you”. Being open to the outcome & let go.
Ａ：傳統女性多以孩子為中心而忘了自己，連自己的情緒都抓不出來。我當初就提醒自己，若當全職母親不要以為是犧牲
Traditional mothers are taught to sacrifice themselves and put children in first priority.
Ｆ：父母常以為是自己擁有孩子
Parents often think they “own” their own children.
Ａ：孩子是你擁有的嗎？ 連創造也不見得呢，像孕吐就是一例 ，因身體會排斥外來體
Children are not your belongings, needless to say creation.
Ｆ：青少年會說“你生了我就要為我負責”，我就回說“你沒同意這件事不會發生”，因為生命不只是精子和…
Some teenagers may say to their parents that “since you gave birth of me, you got to take responsibility on me”. I’ll say “It won’t happen without your permission.”
Ａ：也可以說是孩子選擇父母。但父母易有罪惡感，擔心自己沒做好，像“三歲定終身”的壓力就很大，所以會不好意思接受別人的協助，後來改變想法為“是別人準備好的才會提出邀請，我也發現如果我外出工作一段時間，再回來和孩子的關係反而更好，而且找出和孩子說再見的方法，像去爬玉山三天，我就畫地圖，我的孩子就說”你們要去爬高高的山，我還小不能去，所以要去阿媽家“，原來是父母自己放不下。
In other words, it’s children who make the choice. Parents are hooked to guilt and worry about not doing good. Like what they say: you’re what you were 3 years old. I used to refuse others’ offering because of that statement. Now I told myself that “ they won’t offer unless they’re ready”. My relationship with children is better after I take parts time jobs. I also learned how to say good-bye with my kid. For example, I drew a map to my kids before went climbing for three days. My kid replied that “Ok, you’re climbing high mountain, but I’m too young to go with you. I’ll go the grandma’s home.”. It’s all about parent’s not letting go.